If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
