I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
