drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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