You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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