Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
