so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
