I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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