I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
