I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Randomize
