She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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