I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
