I want to stick my p in your. b.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
