You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
