Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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