We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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