a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I FOUND THE LEGS
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
