I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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