There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
