Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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