I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
