The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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