yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
