my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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