My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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