I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
We have started to decorate penises.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Randomize
