I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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