So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
