I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
