I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
