Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
i've created a new STD.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
