why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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