Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
