Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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