god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
