Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
