i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
