worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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