census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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