Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
The beer is more important than you right now.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just gargled with NyQuil
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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