Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
