be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
