i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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