"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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