Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He passed out mid-signature
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
