I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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