Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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