It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
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