weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
