I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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