I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
