never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
