Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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