Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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