from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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