Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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