No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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