Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
