i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
